night outside a small town, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant and before you could snap your
fingers, it exploded into flames. An alarm went out to
the fire departments for miles around.
When the firefighters arrived, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All
of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of
the plant. I will give $50,000 to the engine company
that brings them out intact." The fire chief
ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
hours of fighting the fire another fire department was
called in and the president of the chemical company
offered $100,000 to the fire fighters who could bring
out the secret files.
distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck
came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company
composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To
everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced
passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of
Outside the regular firemen watched as the old timers
jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a
performance and effort never seen before. Within a short
time, the old timers extinguished the fire and saved the
chemical company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of
the brave, elderly, fire fighters. The local TV news
reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking. "What are you going to do with all that
money?" The 70-year-old fire chief answered,
"Fix the brakes on the truck".
was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed
his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence,
soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have
to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to
jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll
After everything was over, the man walked over to his
son and said, "Well son, do you have any
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that
JUST A FEW ITEMS TO PLAY WITH, AND
WONDER AT THE INTELLIGENCE ON EARTH
Idiot #1: I am a medical student currently doing a
rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to
eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she
better bring her daughter into the emergency room right
Idiot #2: Seems that a year ago, some Boeing
employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft
from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float
on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard
helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Idiot #3: A true story out of San Francisco: A man,
wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the branch and wrote:
"this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in
While standing in line, waiting to give his
note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that he could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Idiot #4: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar
and photographed his car. He later received in the mail
a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of
$40. Several days later, he received a letter from the
police that contained another picture-of handcuffs.
Idiot #5: A guy walked into a little corner store
with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash
drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in
the bag as well, but he refused, "Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was,
but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his
driver's license out and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran
from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.
Idiot #6: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record
shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot #7: Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer
pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder
block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
In case you are having a bad day:
- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after
the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At
a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later,
in full view, they were both eaten by a killer
- A woman came home to find her husband in the
kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a
wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood
by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment he had been happily listening to
- Two animal rights protesters were protesting at
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in
Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,
escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
- Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb. It came back with
"return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it. He was 38.
never have been another baseball con man like Dizzy
Dean, the St. Louis Cardinals pitcher, who often used
his the sport of his own amusement. One day the New York
Giants put runners on first and second with two out, and
Dean intentionally walked Hughie Critz to load the
bases. It seemed like a dumb move as the dreaded Bill
Terry, the last National Leaguer ever to hit .400, was
But Dean walked down from the mound and confronted Terry
at the plate. "Bill," he said, "I'm sorry
to do this to you, but I promised a girl I'd strike you
out with the bases loaded."
And he did--on three pitches.
This fella has a friend going out of town for the
holidays and accepts the job of watching his parrot over
the holiday. Problem is, this parrot swears like a
sailor, and this guy is a quiet, conservative type.
Before long, the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
The guy finally snaps, grabs the bird, shakes him and
yells, "QUIT IT!!!" This, of course, just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then
the guy gets angry and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws
and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that
would make a veteran sailor blush! At that point, the
guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly
gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then
he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a
couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he
opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched
arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I
gave you, old chap. I will do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He
can't understand the transformation that has come over
the parrot. "So, by the way," the parrot says,
looking nervously back towards the freezer, "what
did the turkey do?"
A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in
rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the
lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it
fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve
it." The old farmer replied, "This is my
property, and you are not coming over here." The
indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small
disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick
Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick
you three times and then you kick me three times, and so
on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old
farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked
up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of
his heavy work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his
knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off
his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the
farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and
managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old
coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give
up. You can have the duck!"
In Merry Ole England...
Most people got married in June
because they took their yearly bath in May, and were
still smelling pretty good by June, although they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of
flowers to hide the b.o.
Baths equaled a big tub filled with
hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the
nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the
babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
"don't throw the baby out with the bath
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick
straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the
only place for animals to get warm, so all the
pets...dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats,
bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall
off the roof. Hence the saying, "it's raining cats
There was nothing to stop things from
falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the
bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess
up your nice clean bed, so they found if they made beds
with big posts and hang a sheet over the top, it
addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4
poster beds with canopies.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy
had something other than dirt, hence the saying
"dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors
which in the winter they would get slippery when wet. So
they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more
thresh until when you opened the door it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the
entry way, hence a "thresh hold".
They cooked in the kitchen in a big
kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day, they
lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly
ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get
cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes, the stew had food in it that had been in
therefor a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old." Sometimes, they could obtain pork and would
feel really special when that happened. When company
came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it
to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man
"could really bring home the bacon. "They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of
pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the
lead to leach into the food. This happened most often
with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes ... for
400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates, but
had trenchers-a piece of wood with the middle scooped
out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot
of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy
trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got
the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper
Lead cups were used to drink ale or
whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out
for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the
custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small. They started
running out of places to bury people. They would dig up
coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use
the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of
25coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside, and they realized they had been burying people
alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their
wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit
out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell.
Hence, on the "graveyard shift" they would
know that someone was "saved by the bell" or
he was a "dead ringer".
Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what
you will have.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
People who think they know everything are irritating to those of us who
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would destroy civilization.
The client or customer who pays the least complains the most.
The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
If you have a college degree you can be absolutely sure of one thing... you have a college degree.
"My family was so poor they couldn't afford any kids. The lady next
door had me." - Golfer Lee Trevino (July 26, 1971)
"The great question...which I have not been able to answer, despite
my thirty years into the feminine soul, is 'What do women want?'"
- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for high school and college
graduates, a list of
things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the liberal, feel
good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of
reality and set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't
care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you
feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will not
make 40 thousand dollar s a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president
with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think
your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping
burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called
Rule 6: If you screw
up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were
born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your
room, and listening to you tell how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the
blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own
Rule 8: Your school may
have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have
abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right
answer. This, of
course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not
divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested
in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is
not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to
nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
At Sunday-School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent
when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what's the
matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my
I think I'm going to have a wife."
Will the real dummy please stand up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He
received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps
it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
With a little help from our friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hour
attempting to subdue gunman who had barricaded himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself
What was plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
These nitwits are teaching our children?
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a
under his elementary school's drug policy last week
- for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate
that the mints would make him "jump higher." and
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for
three days for giving a classmate a cough drop.
School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's
"zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused
with the "zero-intelligence" policy).
Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause
of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month
- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than
last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when
someone broke in and stole my new security system."
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Too well educated?
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with
an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of
three people. "There are too many business grads out
there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all
this may not have happened."
Did I say that?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup
to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Ouch, that smarts!!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise
when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the- Looms. The robber apparently stuffed
the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping
around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an
explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have
the man's charred trousers in custody.
Are we are communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
How Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they
built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the
English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same
people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways
used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use
any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because
that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built
by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying
their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or
by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad
gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman
army war chariot.
Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification
and wonder what horse's a** came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the
Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of
two war horses.
Cowboy in Church"
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the
preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go
ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my
cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher
finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy
answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only
one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed 'em all the hay."
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of
Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she
peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she
had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her --
"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for
you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is
such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to
spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?",
the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled
"Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman
was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How
have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her
husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you
while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little
house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and
I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went
water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am.
How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.........................A small lie.
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose.......................Near by/close by
|An elderly couple suffering from
deteriorating memory signed up for a power memory class to improve their memories. The
power memory method taught them to remember things by associating these with familiar
objects. After completing the 5-day course, the old man was discussing the merits of the
course with a neighbor in his backyard.
The old man
claimed, "Signing up for that power memory class was one of the best things I've ever
The neighbor asked, "So who was your instructor?"
"Well, lemme see," said the old man. "What do you,
ahhh, call that flower that smells nice but, ummm, has those thorns..."
"A rose?" volunteered the neighbor.
"Yeah, right!" nodded the old man who then turned
towards his house and yelled, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of the instructor in our
power memory class?"
The first man-made item to exceed the speed of sound is the bull whip our
leather whip. When the whip is snapped, the knotted end makes a "crack" or
popping noise. It is actually causing a mini sonic boom as it exceeds the
speed of sound.
- Submitted by Brandt Galloway - USA
A Man's Man
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no
fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a
pirate ship and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly
retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into
battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled
for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one
of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my
blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching.
The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty
sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown